Nonfiction

By Samuel Ibañez

 

Trigger Warning: Transphobia          

 

Before last November, I knew nothing about Dungeons and Dragons, usually abbreviated as D&D. On a Thursday afternoon, I discovered that this game entailed much more than combat, roleplay, and exploration. I embarked on an adventure with four perfect strangers, who embraced every aspect of my personality, even the ones I thought would be annoying. Through this fantastic adventure, I am learning about myself and what I can become, along with people who share their wisdom and friendship with me. D&D helped me accept and love who I am, and it might do the same for others.    

 

Every Thursday at 8 p.m., four strangers and I connect to a voice chat while exchanging greetings. A few minutes pass while we prepare our characters and remember where we left the story last week. Then, someone will speak with a funny voice — the one meant to represent their character — and we take it from there. Today, we will march west to save a princess. My voice is high pitched, so voice acting is the bane of my existence. My character is an older man who tries to seek vengeance for himself and his dead lover. He loves to sing, dance, and flirt. He is unapologetically queer and outspoken. He is everything I will never be, yet he only exists through me and my words. At least for three hours every week, I am him. I believe in his convictions in the same way I wish to believe in mine. For three hours every week, I feel free. 

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 I realized that I am transgender three years ago — transmasculine, to be exact. I questioned  myself for a long time, but it took a bit of encouragement from my closest friends to take a last step in my self-discovery journey. However, hardly anyone believes me when I tell them. For most people, I look too small and feminine with my delicate voice and colorful earrings.

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 “There is no way you are a boy. Maybe you are just confused,” said one teacher I tried to come out to. This treatment did not improve when I transitioned to college. In the first week, I joined a group chat for one of my classes. I do not remember the context of the joke, or the consequent conversations. All I recall were the cruel “jokes” that my peers made against trans “I tried to be a girl for a while. I did not enjoy it.” women, the hatred, and the implications. It will not be different for me, I thought. With my safety in mind, I closed the doors of my heart.      

 

Even though I did not hate who I was, I became deeply insecure of everything I had believed about myself until that moment. Am I a man? Is that what I want? Is that who I really am? Deep within my heart, I knew the truth, but the fog of self-doubt is thick and painful to endure. I tried to be a girl for a while. I did not enjoy it. Also, I discovered I am terrible at doing my own makeup.      

 

In the hope of cheering myself up, I revisited the activities that my high school friends used to do. One of them was D&D. After a few unsuccessful attempts of joining a group, I found a person who introduced me to a handful of nice strangers. We all played through voice, and we never saw each other’s faces, yet the awkwardness seeped through every time someone spoke. A couple of months later, we are a group of strangers who tell everything to each other. Within this corner of the world, I can be whoever I want to be. As a queer person who often keeps silence about his identity, this little freedom means everything to me. The fear of being different does not exist. To be different is a blessing and a high-sought prize. I am different inside and out of the game. I am free.      

 

At the end, I wish to backtrack what I said. “He is everything I will never be.” That is true. I do not wish my life to be as painful as his. Nor do I want to fight dragons and rescue princesses. However, I do wish to be an older man someday, who has loved and lived to his fullest, a man who has the guts to love and speak loudly. For now, I will enjoy myself in silence. My strangers teach me about American food and customs; in return, I teach them about Latin America and its people. There are so many things I wish to ask and answer, but everything must come at the right time. I will treasure the bits of their souls that they show me through their characters, the same way they love me.  

 

This game gives me a new chance to love myself, to reclaim myself, and make a better version of myself, one Thursday at a time.

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